I'm Still Learning

There are some days I find it nearly impossible to explain or express how I am feeling. Often times, I have to make a concerted effort to even let myself focus on what is happening inside of me. It’s as if my radar for detecting whether or not I am bothered by something is broken. Because of this “glitch in my system”, I too often am unaware of the mess of emotion that begins to swell inside of my chest. It has come to my attention that I am an expert at swallowing my feelings. Lately, life has been really draining due to big projects, exams, difficult relationships, re-opened wounds, and an extreme lack of sleep. I swallowed a lot of pain these past weeks because I kept telling myself that I didn’t have time or room in my schedule for a meltdown. But last night, I became exceedingly aware of the tangled catastrophe contained within my heart and I could no longer swallow it down. Last night, at 3 a.m., in the darkness of my closet sized room—I wept. I woke up early this morning with swollen, tear-stained eyes that are just now (6 hours later) returning to their original design.


My Bible was the catalyst for the torrent of tears that fell down my cheeks last night. For the first time ever, I experienced my Bible through touch. Minutes before turning off my lights, I finished my third Old Testament paper, in which I summarized a variety of books. After reading about heroes of faith, like Moses and Joshua, and also about the incredible things that God did through them and in the lives of the Israelites, I realized something profound. I held my brown leather Bible in my hands and brushed my fingers across the words of Luke. As I did, I realized that in my hands I held the very breath of God. The same God that parted the sea and spoke through Isaiah and Jeremiah, is the same God that I am allowed to freely communicate with—the same God that dwells within me. The same God that cares deeply about the condition of my heart--even at 3a.m.

It is incredible to feel the true weight of the Bible when an understanding such as this is grasped.


I cried tears of confusion and exhaustion for a person I love. Chaotic tears for having no direction. fearful tears of being left behind and used. even tears that burned with self-revelation of my selfishness and bad attitude.

I’m still learning how to say, “I’m not ok.”  For some reason, my greatest fear is appearing needy. Today, I didn’t even have to verbalize the fact that my heart is hurting; my eyes spoke for me. As i write this, God is walking me through a season of my life that is unlike any other. As heartwrenching as seasons like this may be, i am grateful for them. Why? Because I always enter into a new one with a fresh and tender understanding of the things of life.

LORD make me an instrument of Thy peace
where there is hatred; let me sow love;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light; and
where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and
it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
                                               
                                                   -Francis of Assisi